It’s been three years since our sweet baby Miller was stillborn. My words and feelings about Miller don’t come as easily as they used to. Perhaps that’s normal because my house is filled with the chaos of two rambunctious little boys. Because we don’t live in the same city or the same house that holds the memories of him. And just because, thankfully in some way, the passage of time takes the sharp edges off of everything.
In some ways, it feels so complicated. If Miller had lived, then Teddy and Holden would not exist. If Miller had lived, who knows if we would have moved, if I would have gone back to work, if he would have had serious medical issues, if, if, if. It’s very hard to feel bitterness over the bounty that I have right now.
And yet, it still feels so sad and wrong and unfair and I’m so sorry that he isn’t here with us, his family. I’m sorry that his brothers will only know him from photos and blankets and a teddy bear. I’m sorry I rarely get to speak his name out loud.
So we just continue missing him and also being ever so grateful that we have the twins. I feel so aware of all that can go wrong (and does, too often) and have to stop myself from being extra anxious about how quickly things can change.
I’m flying to California today, which probably wasn’t the best timing but sometimes life happens like that. When I get back I’d like to find a spot here in Colorado where we can go on occasion that feels like “Miller’s place” — whatever and wherever that is. We had a few places likes that in DC/Virginia but now it seems impossible to revisit them.
In the meantime, here is a photo from two years ago.
Thank you all for your love and support and for remembering our first little boy with us.
1. I’ve been trying out some new recipes because I’m so bored of my go-to dinners. Last night I made this French Onion pasta and it was pretty good (but kind of lacking in the veggies and protein department). A few weeks ago I made a cinnamon-y, clove-y tomato sauce with ground lamb (over rice) and it was really good and the kids devoured it. Sadly I didn’t use a recipe so I’ll have to recreate it from memory. Have you made anything for dinner recently that I should try?
2. Have I mentioned I’m going to San Francisco next weekend, ALONE? Alone as in, I am flying alone, but I’m spending the weekend with my SF-BFF (formerly DC-BFF). We are planning on spending one day up in wine country somewhere, and one day doing stuff in the city. Any suggestions? Mostly I’m just excited to have a little time and space to myself and quality time with one of my best friends. Hallelujah for girlfriends! (But seriously, feel free to tell me your #1 fave thing in the Bay Area because we don’t have much planned yet.)
3. I want to paint my front door purple. Like a lovely, rich eggplant purple. Good idea or worst idea ever? My house is a boring beige with boring cream trim and none of that is changing anytime soon.
4. “I want him around me all the time, and yet I constantly want just a 5 minute break.” This post by Emily Henderson feels very familiar to me (except I don’t work full time). Do other mamas feel like this too?
5. Did you know we have lived in Colorado for an ENTIRE YEAR now? I love this photo of the boys playing up in the mountains.
Happy weekend, everyone! xo
You guys, I miss blogging. I once vowed to myself to never write her about not blogging, because how boring is it to read that someone is busy but promises to come back (and usually doesn’t)? Boring! But when I think about it, I know I still love reading blogs, and I love being part of an online community with you all, and the lack of time to comment/reply to comments should not stop me from blogging altogether. Right? So, I’m going to give this a try. Feel free to comment once in awhile, but mostly just feel free to read and know that I am reading back.
My babysitter took this photo of the kids at the park this morning and I love it so much I kind of want to print it in a poster size and paste it all over the city. Instead I will just post it here.
What else is going on?
Last weekend Andrew and I went on a crazy and fun date night. We have this cool thing called a Denver Passport, which gets you a free drink at a bunch of different bars around the city. We originally planned to Uber to our first destination, walk to five others, and Uber home. We ended up going to 10 bars over six hours! I think I was pretty well toasted by about the 4th bar but by then we were on a mission and couldn’t quit. I even drank a bourbon cocktail and liked it! (And I really don’t like bourbon.) It was a really good way to try new places, explore the city, feel like we were young and carefree, and get 14,000 steps on my fitbit that day.
Work stuff is going well. I had the opportunity this month to write some blog posts for a nonprofit and it was a super fun project. I don’t really want to link directly, but if you read this Slate article, it talks about the project. Maybe you’ll find out something about one of your Congressmen.
I signed the kids up for music classes this fall. I am so excited about it. I think they are at the perfect age to enjoy singing, dancing, and having a little bit of structure in their week.
My babysitter leaves in 6 minutes so I have to wrap up. If there is anything you want me to write about, or anything you want to ask me (don’t be shy!) just leave a comment and I’ll answer in an upcoming post.