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June 20, 2006 · filed under blonde moments

arrgh matey!

Remember yesterday when I was all waaaa waaaa I have a case of the Mondays? Well, let’s just say I went and totally topped myself for the bad day competition.

I’m not exactly sure how to break the news, so I’ll just spit it out. Just promise that you will still be my friend/loyal reader after I admit that I am the most spazzy person on Earth.

This morning in the shower while merrily shaving my underarms, I poked myself in the eye with my razor. Although this perhaps sounds ridiculous and unbelievable, I apparently had just the right amount of soapy lather and early morning spazzness to swipe my eyeball with a razorblade. Holy crap, it hurt.

After doubling over in pain, I managed to rinse myself off and get out of the shower. I had a teeny tiny little (okay, actually kinda large) panic session because blindness and trauma! How can I get married if I only have one eye? Will I have to get a seeing eye dog? What do I do? Should I go to the emergency room and wait my turn for care amongst the gunshot wound victims? Ohhhhhhhhh, my EYE. Help me GOD!

(There was also a good amount of embarrassment in there with the panic, and I couldn’t help but laugh while explaining my emergency to the receptionist at the doctor’s office.)

It took about an hour before I could find a doctor to see me. Once I got there, I waited a full hour in the waiting room, because apparently EMERGENCY doesn’t really hold a lot of weight at your average optometry office. Then they tried to take me into the little room and give me an eye exam to see if I needed glasses. I was like OOZING EYE, people. I don’t need GLASSES, I need MEDICAL CARE. I think they got the message.

Another side note: At one point, while examining the damage myself in my compact mirror, I realized I also shaved off a large chunk of my eyelashes! (Maybe this is finally my sign to start wearing fake lashes again? And also to get laser hair removal to save me from myself?)

Anyway, I finally get into to see the doc, who seems to think that poking around my eye and putting goo in it and also shining really bright lights into it will make me feel better. He tells me I have an abrasion (I think? I can’t really remember to be honest) and that I am lucky it isn’t worse. He taped it shut and told me to come back tomorrow. And he sent me on my one-eyed way. Also, he told me I’m not allowed to go to work for a few days.

I had to call my boss and explain that I won’t be coming to work because I am the biggest idiot on earth and please don’t judge me or tell anyone else in the office. I decided to just walk home from the doctor to get used to my new lack of depth perception. If you saw a girl stumbling and weaving down Connecticut Avenue this morning, yep, that was me.

So, yeah, that’s how my day is going. Anyone got any good pirate jokes?



  1. for Joke!
    June 20, 2006 6:33 pm

    Oh god that is HILARIOUS!!! :) I wore a pirate patch as a child (I have a lazy eye). Welcome to the dark side!!

  2. Jennifer
    June 20, 2006 8:05 pm

    Oh. My. God. I am cringing/crying in sympathy. I cannot imagine something more painful, and also horrible to have to explain to people. last summer I tripped in my “garden” and a rusty nail went through my flip flop and into the arch of my foot. That was horrible. Your situation is so much worse. Eye! Ah!!

    But… it’s a few days off work… so that’s good, right?

  3. Liz
    June 20, 2006 9:09 pm

    Um, this is hilarious – now that I know you are ok. Where did you get that doll? I think it totally completes this entry! Come back to work soon…I am lonely.

  4. Della
    June 20, 2006 9:41 pm

    Goodness Gracious Gal! I hope you are feeling better! Hooray for some days off work to work on wedding stuff.

    About the time you were giving yourself a Lasik treatment I got squirted squarely in BOTH eyes with the new rotating shower squirting scrubbing bubbles thingamajiggy! Hello! I clearly don’t know the layout of my boudoir because I tripped over the steps that lead up into my tub and scraped by chinny chin chin (they are carpeted thank goodness or I probably would have lost some teeth!!

  5. Nic
    June 20, 2006 9:42 pm

    Oh. My. God.

    You poor thing! Why on earth do you own that doll?

    Thank goodness you have a good sense of humor.

    And TiVo. What’s happening on Oprah?

    (By the way, this is totally something I would do.)

  6. Sarah
    June 20, 2006 10:15 pm

    I cannot stop laughing at you!

    This is why we need to hang out because things like this happen to me too! A couple of years ago, in the middle of the night, I went to wipe my eye with the corner of the pillowcase (why I didn’t use my fingers, I don’t know) and I ended up scratching and cutting a 3 inch cut on the bridge of my nose with my fingernail so I had this huge cut/scab for the next two weeks. It wasn’t as good as permanent eye damage but I was still the girl with the huge strange face cut.

  7. amieable
    June 20, 2006 11:06 pm

    oh. my. GAWD. how does that even happen?

  8. jessica
    June 21, 2006 7:28 am

    Hey, did you hear about that new pirate movie?

    It’s rated aarrrrgh.

    Sorry about your eye. But at least you get to be a pirate. Colin will be so jealous when I tell him.

  9. Jen
    June 21, 2006 8:36 am

    aw…! I totally shouldn’t laugh but…

    You probably won’t believe me, but my father in law poked himself in the eye with his toothbrush while brushing his teeth. TWICE. The second time (and hopefully last) was last summer- he missed a few days of work and had to use these eyedrops, and he has a major eye issue so he was miserable. hee.

  10. Alison
    June 21, 2006 10:06 am

    I just can’t believe this happened to you. Maybe this proves that you need to get lasik so that you can see a little better in the shower without your contacts! I’m glad you’re okay. Surely we can give you a sweeping bang to cover that eye at the wedding if it were needed! haha!

  11. Isabel
    June 21, 2006 10:40 am

    It took me a while to get through this post. I had to keep leaving and coming back. I just couldn’t get past the whole slicing your eyeball with a razor thing! (I’m having trouble even typing this…)

    I’m glad it wasn’t worse. I’m glad you get some time off work. And I’m glad you posted that awesome photo.

    And now we must never speak of this again.

  12. Kelly
    June 21, 2006 6:30 pm

    OMG. Ouch. This is really funny, but I would have been freaking out if EYE were you.


    I crack myself up.

  13. Liberal Banana
    June 22, 2006 11:21 am

    I’m sorry I’m late commenting on this but OH MY GOD! I’m so glad you’re okay! When I read what happened I nearly gagged at the thought of it. Un-freakin’-believable. (Okay, well, totally believable. Probably something I would do, in fact.)

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  15. alexa
    July 3, 2006 9:08 pm

    Wow! You didnt mention this?