Remember yesterday when I was all waaaa waaaa I have a case of the Mondays? Well, let’s just say I went and totally topped myself for the bad day competition.
I’m not exactly sure how to break the news, so I’ll just spit it out. Just promise that you will still be my friend/loyal reader after I admit that I am the most spazzy person on Earth.
This morning in the shower while merrily shaving my underarms, I poked myself in the eye with my razor. Although this perhaps sounds ridiculous and unbelievable, I apparently had just the right amount of soapy lather and early morning spazzness to swipe my eyeball with a razorblade. Holy crap, it hurt.
After doubling over in pain, I managed to rinse myself off and get out of the shower. I had a teeny tiny little (okay, actually kinda large) panic session because blindness and trauma! How can I get married if I only have one eye? Will I have to get a seeing eye dog? What do I do? Should I go to the emergency room and wait my turn for care amongst the gunshot wound victims? Ohhhhhhhhh, my EYE. Help me GOD!
(There was also a good amount of embarrassment in there with the panic, and I couldn’t help but laugh while explaining my emergency to the receptionist at the doctor’s office.)
It took about an hour before I could find a doctor to see me. Once I got there, I waited a full hour in the waiting room, because apparently EMERGENCY doesn’t really hold a lot of weight at your average optometry office. Then they tried to take me into the little room and give me an eye exam to see if I needed glasses. I was like OOZING EYE, people. I don’t need GLASSES, I need MEDICAL CARE. I think they got the message.
Another side note: At one point, while examining the damage myself in my compact mirror, I realized I also shaved off a large chunk of my eyelashes! (Maybe this is finally my sign to start wearing fake lashes again? And also to get laser hair removal to save me from myself?)
Anyway, I finally get into to see the doc, who seems to think that poking around my eye and putting goo in it and also shining really bright lights into it will make me feel better. He tells me I have an abrasion (I think? I can’t really remember to be honest) and that I am lucky it isn’t worse. He taped it shut and told me to come back tomorrow. And he sent me on my one-eyed way. Also, he told me I’m not allowed to go to work for a few days.
I had to call my boss and explain that I won’t be coming to work because I am the biggest idiot on earth and please don’t judge me or tell anyone else in the office. I decided to just walk home from the doctor to get used to my new lack of depth perception. If you saw a girl stumbling and weaving down Connecticut Avenue this morning, yep, that was me.
So, yeah, that’s how my day is going. Anyone got any good pirate jokes?