September 14, 2006 · filed under blonde moments
28 days
I finally figured out why I am so damn hungry all of the time — and I blame my period. So what if it only last 4-5 days, I am convinced it ruins good eating intentions for the entire 28 days.
So, ladies, throw on your fat pants, call in sick to gym class, and pick up some extra bon bons at the CVS, because no matter where you are in your cycle, you are damned to feeling (or just plain being) fat.
Week One: Period Week. Permission to whine, moan, cry on demand, sleep late, wear wrinkly clothes, and most importantly, eat chocolate. Our bodies need it to replace all that hemoglobin, or something. The point is, you are totally allowed to eat whatever you want. And then cry about it. And then stop the sobbing with more chocolate.
Week Two: Post-Period Week: This week, your stomach is all stretched out from overeating during Week One, and you must consume an additional 500 calories a day just to stop the sharp hunger pains that keep you from completing that very important project at work. If you don’t eat that dessert after lunch, you run the risk of getting fired, and nobody wants that to happen! Keep. Eating.
Week Three: Ovulation Week: Holy cow your body is getting ready to spit out a glorious, precious little egg! The first step in the Miracle of Life! Surely a few extra donuts would help this process along, right? Frankly, I think ovaries need an extra helping of sugar glaze just to think about performing such a monumental task. Feed them.
Week Four: PMS Week: Yep, ladies, this means it’s time to eat every carbohydrate in your pantry. Pasta, crackers, chips, bagels. Who cares if it even tastes good? If it’s white and buttery (bonus points for cheesy) then your uterus wants it. You’re gonna bloat up like a whale no matter what, so you might as well enjoy it with your favorite fried food.
Once you’ve mastered this disastrous cycle, repeat Weeks One through Four, for about, ohhhh, four decades. Good luck fitting into those skinny pants that are hot this season!
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Alison
September 15, 2006 9:39 am
Colin always gets very annoyed when I NEED some food – I NEED queso and chips, I NEED ice cream, I NEED a chocolate chip cookie. I should make him read this entry so he’ll understand the “science”!
Laurel
September 15, 2006 9:54 am
Don’t worry, Janet, I am on a one-woman campaign to rid the world of the supposedly “trendy” skinny jean. So, let’s eat up!
I’m going to get a chipwich. Delicious.
Renée
September 15, 2006 11:12 am
No wonder I weigh 4000 pounds
amieable
September 15, 2006 11:15 am
Queso and chips! Alison and I are simpatico.
I like Audrey Hepburn and all, but I already hate her and that flirty little Gap commercial touting the skinny black pant. Does the skinny black pant look good with a roll of belly fat hanging over the top?
This was a mucho funny post – I could easily eat my weight in carbs my PMS week.
That’s right! Eat more chocolate to replace the hemoglobin!
elise
September 15, 2006 12:51 pm
I think my most impressive eating skill during Week 4 is that I can alternate between carbs and sugar all day long, with no breaks, and with only a moderate amount of guilt.
I somehow always convince myself entirely that I am hungry, and if everyone always only ate when they were truly hungry, then we would all be at our ideal weight. So naturally, I should eat up!
Where did I come up with this? Is it as a result of some PMS-ish brainwashing? Or are my ovaries trying to join with Laurel in fighting the skinny-jean trend? Either way, I am getting fatter every month. help!
Liberal Banana
September 15, 2006 1:00 pm
Ha! This post is hilarious! You should get this published in a medical journal.
Sex & Moxie
September 15, 2006 4:09 pm
My worst enemy is Entenman’s Crumb Cake. I can eat one in a whole sitting when I’m PMSing. I try to drink two big bottles of Poland Spring water. Because, yeah, that TOTALLY evens things out.
Jenni
September 15, 2006 11:57 pm
SO TRUE! Thank you so much for making me feel better about myself. I knew I wasn’t crazy!
Isabel
September 18, 2006 12:10 am
You are so right on with this post!