November 3, 2011 · filed under baby miller
some answers
We got the autopsy results. The writing is cold and heavy and clinical and I’m having a hard time understanding it completely, but from what I can decipher, our little guy had a lot of problems going on with his insides.
We knew he had an intestinal obstruction, but it was way worse than that. His small and large intestines were rotated, jumbled up, and didn’t have the right connections and openings. His lungs and kidneys were misshapen. The placenta was too small. And he had that goofy extra thumb.
They also saw signs that the cord was wrapped around his neck and his leg, and it cut off the oxygen supply in the blood. It hurts my heart to think about it.
But when I imagine another ending, one where the cord doesn’t get tangled up, and maybe he lives to be born, it’s not necessarily a happy ending. He would have faced multiple surgeries beginning at birth, at a minimum. I have no idea what the prognosis would have been. I can imagine some pretty awful worst case scenarios though.
I am left feeling so broken and so empty, and yet grateful that my sweet son didn’t have to suffer. I will suffer for him. I miss him. It’s hard to wish for him to be here now that we know so much more about him.
There are so many more questions. Namely, WHY? Why, oh why, would something go so wrong with our little baby? And what comes next? Will this happen to the next baby? Will there even be a next baby? It’s an avalanche of questions, most of which can’t be answered.
In my heart he was perfect, but now I know he was not. And I love him fiercely anyway.
Be loved and be free, sweet Miller.
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Kandi
November 3, 2011 1:12 pm
I’m thankful that your son didn’t have to suffer but this whole thing is still so heartbreaking. I hope you find the answers your looking for! Thinking about you guys.
Carrisa
November 3, 2011 2:18 pm
I can imagine it’s really hard to accept that maybe things happened the way they were supposed to. I’m so glad that he doesn’t have to suffer. I’m just sorry that you have to suffer.
Laurel of Sass Attack, RIP
November 3, 2011 2:20 pm
More information may help make it all make a little more logical sense, but it’s still colossally unfair. Still thinking of you, and Miller, all the time. xoxo
RA
November 3, 2011 2:23 pm
So sorry that you had to get this info via a distant medical document. Factual, yes, but not great with the sympathy.
Jackie
November 3, 2011 2:38 pm
I am glad you have the results and some answers, if only so that you don’t have to wonder anymore. Hugs!
Liz
November 3, 2011 2:38 pm
This is totally just my opinion but I can’t help but think that God was looking out for Miller and made sure he didn’t have to suffer unnecessarily. It’s hard to see this as the lesser of two evils, but I believe it was. Knowing what was wrong doesn’t make the pain go away, but at least you have some answers. Not all, but some. And in your heart, he’ll always be perfect.
Hugs to you guys.
J.A. from Amsterdam
November 3, 2011 2:44 pm
of course he was perfect in his mama’s heart
K
November 3, 2011 3:29 pm
So much to say about this. So very much.
I often feel so much sadness and loss about Noah not being here with our family…and then I think about his physical situation upon birth. His lungs were even worse than Iris’, as hard as that is to believe. He was even smaller in size and weight. And so with the sadness and tears and anger I then get this incredibly bizarre wave of relief. Relief that he didn’t have the struggles or worse that Iris did.
I don’t like that feeling of relief and yet I don’t know if I would choose differently for that sweet boy.
As always, you are close to my heart.
terra
November 3, 2011 3:31 pm
I’m glad you at least have some answers, even if they still generate questions. Hugs.
Angela Noelle
November 3, 2011 3:40 pm
I can’t even imagine all of the emotions that must be tumbling around inside of you right now. I hope that your tomorrows keep getting easier.
alison
November 3, 2011 4:15 pm
I am thinking of you and thinking about all that you have to digest.
katelin
November 3, 2011 4:29 pm
just sending so much love and so many hugs to you janet. i can’t imagine this makes things any easier but at least you know. xo
Aly @ Breathe Gently
November 3, 2011 6:13 pm
Answers might not make things any easier – but they can bring peace. Miller is whole, and sound, where he is now; and he’ll be with you always.
Maya
November 3, 2011 7:08 pm
So sorry Janet and Andrew….I think of you and little Miller often and I wish you peace….eventually.
anne
November 3, 2011 8:15 pm
Oh, Janet. You and Miller are in my thoughts and prayers often, even though we’ve never met. I pray for the peace and closure that comes with answers, but also for comfort and love for the days ahead as you keep Miller in your heart instead of in your arms.
Lots of hugs.
Audrey
November 3, 2011 9:10 pm
I think Aly said it best — it’s good to have answers, even if they don’t make your heart hurt any less. And Miller absolutely is perfect where he is now, and I know that he love you fiercely, too.
Betsy
November 3, 2011 9:56 pm
Janet, I’m thankful you got answers, even though you knew any kind of answers you would get would not be “good.” I think I told you this before, but in some ways this makes you the perfect parents. You and Andrew took all his suffering upon yourselves so that he would never have to. You will never be able to protect any other child from all the pain in the world, but you were able to do so for Miller. He will always be your angel first son.
Meredith
November 3, 2011 11:24 pm
Although his little body may not have been perfect, his soul was. As his mother, you did everything right for him, and will continue to in remembering his sweet presence in your life.
Much love and prayers.
Lea
November 4, 2011 1:15 am
My heart feels so heavy for you right now as you think about all this stuff and have more questions than answers. May you and Andrew find some semblance of peace along your journey. Always thinking of you and Miller.
sprite
November 4, 2011 9:22 am
You and your family have my sympathies. I’m really sorry for your loss.
Gigs
November 4, 2011 12:05 pm
My heart breaks for you.
Nathan Pralle
November 4, 2011 1:59 pm
Like most things, answers to these sorts of things are never really answers, just….jumping-off places to other questions and thoughts. But that being said, I’m sure it’s somewhat….heartening sounds like the wrong word….to know that it wasn’t something unexplainable. Or some just unfortunate accident. That there were real, honest problems behind all of it. I know it’d help me at least.
Despite this, my heart still bleeds for you all in this and hopes for lots of peace and calmness for the future for you. All our love!
Anna
November 4, 2011 5:35 pm
So unfair that this happened to you and your baby boy. The world is just such a heartbreaking unfair place sometimes. I’m thinking of you.
Isabel
November 4, 2011 5:51 pm
I don’t know what to say…but I wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you guys.
Sarah
November 5, 2011 12:36 pm
Still thinking of you, Andrew, and sweet baby, Miller. Hearts!
Operation Pink Herring
November 5, 2011 10:43 pm
“I will suffer for him” – oh Janet, you are such a wonderful mama.
Jen
November 6, 2011 7:31 am
Thankful you have answers. I think no matter what the answers were, it would still be difficult to hear/read. But I hope that this gets you one step further down the long road of healing. xoxo
doahleigh
November 6, 2011 3:57 pm
I’m glad you have answers, but I’m sure none of that was easy to read. I hope you’re healing well, even if it takes awhile.
Kate
November 6, 2011 11:46 pm
I think of you, Andrew and Miller often. Your words are so painful to read, but always so eloquently spoken. Miller is truely loved.
Hugs and prayers from the west coast.
Melissa
November 8, 2011 1:13 pm
It seems as though he really tried to fight his way through, despite all those obstacles. Such an amazing little guy.
I think of you three every day.
xo