November 9, 2011 · filed under baby miller, grief

12
comments

magical thinking

I don’t believe Miller is an angel, or that he is up above watching over us. I don’t believe that things are “meant to be” or that “everything happens for a reason.” I don’t believe I will ever meet Miller again. Sometimes I wish I believed any of these things, but I don’t.

And yet.

I find myself searching for signs of him everywhere. A butterfly lands on my window. A candle flickers near his ashes. The sunset paints the sky a particularly crazy color. A phantom kick pokes my belly.

And the most recent thing, I see Miller’s name everywhere. I know it’s a common last name and I’m sure it exists now no more frequently than before, but…

These photos were snapped in the last week, all around my neighborhood. If you’ll indulge me (and I have a hunch you will, because you have been truly amazing with the support and the kindness), if you see Miller’s name out there somewhere, take a photo and send it to me. Maybe I’ll start a little collection. [Edited to add: Here is the flickr set.]

For now I’ll allow myself this little bit of magical thinking, even as I accept that he is only in my heart.

 

12 Comments

  1. Angela Noelle
    November 9, 2011 10:17 pm

    I think your heart is the best place he could possibly be if he can’t be in your arms.

  3. Liz
    November 10, 2011 10:29 am

    What Angela said. :) I will also keep my eyes out for you. I bet Miller is everywhere!

  4. RA
    November 10, 2011 10:40 am

    It’s just cool that your eyes have been opened in this way, and you can collect these little images. I will be on the lookout!

  5. Kristin
    November 10, 2011 12:47 pm

    I second Angela’s comment. I do believe in signs. So I will believe for you. I will be on the look out for Miller too.

  6. alison
    November 10, 2011 3:35 pm

    I will look for his name, I’m sure I will see it too!

  7. Nathan Pralle
    November 10, 2011 3:57 pm

    I see Miller every time you pour out your love in words on these pages.

    I’ll keep my eyes open.

  8. doahleigh
    November 10, 2011 8:19 pm

    Oh I love this idea! I will definitely be on the lookout for you. For Miller actually.

  9. Anna
    November 10, 2011 8:25 pm

    I see Grayson’s name everywhere too – maybe I will start documenting it too. Everytime I see it, it pulls at my heart.

  10. birdie
    November 13, 2011 2:03 pm

    Miller on the forester is most definitely a nh native!

  11. Paula
    November 13, 2011 4:09 pm

    I think you seeing his name everywhere does have to be some sort of cosmic sign. He’s out there somewhere. xx

  12. redpenmamapgh
    November 23, 2011 10:25 am

    Whenever I see those little white butterfly/moths fluttering through the grass, they make me think of my lost son, Gabriel. I do believe he is a guardian angel for my family, but that’s me (and my faith).

    If I see Miller’s name, I will send it. Dan & I do the same thing with Gabriel’s name. it’s a warmth in our hearts.