I was browsing a friend’s work website the other day. She runs a marine biology lab so I was pretty out of my element, but I’m always impressed and interested in what my friends do at work, especially something so radically different from my DC life.
It was maybe 30 seconds before I came across the word hypoxia. The only place I’ve seen that word before is on the autopsy. The likely cause of death. Not enough oxygen. Hypoxia.
I couldn’t read another word.
I’m pretty sure I come across as “normal” to most people. I go out to eat, go to happy hour, I laugh and joke and wear mascara and make fun of the Kardashians. But sometimes I’m just plain faking it. This is how pretty much every conversation goes in my head, if not in actuality:
Someone: Hey, how are you?
Me: Oh, hi. I’m [depressed]. How are you?
Someone: I’m good, too! What’s new?
Me: I’ve been keeping pretty busy [crying my face off]. You?
Someone: Tell me about it, this time of year is so busy with all the holiday parties and things to do! What are you doing for Christmas?
Me: I have plans to [feel sorry for myself. I might not get out of bed.]
Someone: That sounds great – let’s try to meet up one night.
Me: Totally. I’d love to [sit around and cry and talk about sad and unfair shit] together.
Someone: Cool, I’ll call you.
Merry Christmas to me! I just bought $561 worth of fertility drugs.
FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA.
So I went to two support groups.
The first one was an infertility group. About eight or so women, all very nice, all with their own stories. One had 4 failed IVFs. Another was about to embark on her first RE appointment. Another was using a surrogate. I was probably somewhere in the middle in terms of infertility timeline and interventions.
But I was the only one with a dead baby.
So I went to pregnancy and infant loss support group. Again, about eight women, all very warm, all with different sad stories. One woman lost one of her twins, another lost a son at full term in a car accident. Another lost her son at three weeks old. Another lost her twins at 22 weeks gestation.
But I was the only one without any living children.
I just don’t know if I should go back, to either or to both.