February 7, 2012 · filed under (in)fertility, grief, life

17
comments

conundra

How am I supposed to not want a baby so badly, when I came so close to having one, only to have him taken away from me?

How am I supposed to be truly happy with what I have, and accept my life as is, if something I want so badly is missing?

How am I supposed to find/create what is missing, while also having happiness and acceptance of life without it?

How can I take a step back, relax, and accept things as they are, when (for us) the process of making a baby requires what feels like endless persistence and perseverance?

How can I do everything possible to try to create a new life, when all I really want is the life my son was supposed to have?

Do I spend my limited mental and emotional energy on healing and acceptance, or on persistence and toughness?

—-

I will pay you one million dollars if you can answer these questions for me. They keep me up at night. In the meantime, a daffodil has bloomed on my street. I hope that means the real and the metaphorical Spring are near.

17 Comments

  1. jen
    February 7, 2012 9:16 pm

    i think these questions would keep anyone up at night. i wish i could answer them for you. i won’t pretend to understand what you went through and are still comprehending, but i think working through grief like this requires healing, acceptance, persistence and toughness – so don’t feel like you have to be one or the other.

    we have daffodils all over our street and some tulip leaves starting to shoot up. i think an early Spring is definitely on the way.

  2. Alison
    February 7, 2012 10:51 pm

    I can’t know the answers but I have to assume these aren’t either/or’s. Which I had some miraculous advice here but I’m at a loss. One. moment. at. a. time.(?)

  3. heidikins
    February 7, 2012 11:44 pm

    Love you. I wish there were some answers for you.

    **Hugs**

    xox

  4. Sara
    February 8, 2012 1:28 am

    I wish I had these answers too; they’re the same questions that keep me up at night, that make my family wonder why I’m so quiet sometimes. I wish I had the answers so I could share them with everyone who is troubled by them. Blessings to you all.

  5. PomJob
    February 8, 2012 9:04 am

    Oh Janet, I wish there was something I could do to make this all better for you. I can only pray/wish for healing and peace for you and Andrew.

  6. Kandi
    February 8, 2012 10:10 am

    I have no answers, but if I did, I would answer them for free. Praying for you.
    I’ve not deen daffodils but some of the cherry trees around DC are in bloom right now. Just crazy!

  7. Janet
    February 8, 2012 11:45 am

    Alison, Heidi, Jess, and Kandi — thank you. xoxo

    Sara – I continue to feel sorry that others feel this way, and grateful to not be alone, at the same time. I struggle with being quiet (keeping it in my own head) versus just spewing out all my crazy emotions.

  8. Vicky
    February 8, 2012 12:06 pm

    It feels like I wrote this post myself Janet. My only answer is we can’t. we can’t not want a baby so badly, especially after we’ve come so close and we can never be happy with what we have, when all we can think is what we have lost. And to be honest we can never truly move on until we get our take home babies. It’s a never ending battle. One I hope we win soon.

    Hugs xx

  9. Tonya
    February 9, 2012 12:34 am

    Such a hard time time. You will have another baby…however it all works out. It is so hard to believe that it will get better. All I can say is hang in there as best as you can. I know that is not Earth shattering, but time is an amazing thing and you will know (eventually…) what path is right for you. Thinking of you and praying for some sort of answers to come your way.

  10. Janet
    February 9, 2012 1:14 am

    I so wish I had the answers for you — but I do have hugs and lots of good thoughts. I am glad to see all the other supportive comments here and I hope you know that we’re all thinking of you guys, often.

  11. Kristin
    February 9, 2012 1:50 pm

    I wish I had the answers for you. Time and patience and just doing what you feel right in your heart are the only real remedies I can think of.

  12. terra
    February 9, 2012 3:01 pm

    I wish I had an answer to any one of those questions. I think time will help, as it tends to do, but I also think feeling all of this is okay. It’s doesn’t make sense and it doesn’t have to.

  13. Alissa
    February 9, 2012 11:06 pm

    Boy I have those same questions and no answers. I am constantly trying to balance myself between focusing on my future and staying in my present. It’s almost impossible sometimes. You have some valid and difficult questions my dear. Thank you for putting it all out there.

  14. Maya
    February 14, 2012 7:27 pm

    What you said, lovely sweet girl. What you said. I heard that

    “Hope” is the thing with feathers—
    That perches in the soul—
    And sings the tune without the words—
    And never stops—at all—

    And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
    And sore must be the storm—
    That could abash the little Bird
    That kept so many warm—

    I’ve heard it in the chillest land—
    And on the strangest Sea—
    Yet, never, in Extremity,
    It asked a crumb—of Me

    but that’s just what a lady who never did manage to marry thought. So perhaps we should all hope together. :)

  15. Ashley // Our Little Apartment
    February 15, 2012 2:31 pm

    It’s so, so unfair. :(

    I cried reading your story about Rick Santorum and wanting to hold your baby.

    I am a definite liberal and don’t like Santorum, but I agree with all of your points and have thought them myself, too. My son is named Gabriel and when I read about Santorum’s Gabriel, all I could do was sob and hold my Gabriel.

    Being pregnant opens yourself to such vulnerabilities. We had to see a genetic counselor since there were some potential problems with the baby…and it terrified me from having more children.

    I’m hoping you find peace during this time and that there are loved ones around you to lean on for support. <3

  16. Melissa
    February 16, 2012 10:16 am

    Oh Janet, how I wish I could help you. I don’t know if there are true “answers” to questions like these… I tend to view life as constantly changing, and our inner selves as constantly changing, and so the answers we need/look for/find will constantly change, too. But no matter what, you are surrounded by love and you have a lot of love to give–so I really believe that, in time, nothing but good can come of it.

    Always here for you.
    xo