Prompted by Angie at still life with circles
Despite the blazing sun and summer weather, my mind and my grief are like a bear in winter. I’ve been hibernating. Reading, but not writing. Thinking, but not talking much.
In the last few months, my mind has quieted down a bit. It’s exhausting to cycle through sad, angry, jealous, depressed, anxious, and sad again. I needed a a break.
I appreciate the emails and cards and photos and texts that many of you have sent me about Miller (and I’m so sorry for my lack of replies). It feels good to know that even when I am not here talking about him, that you think of him. I feel like I don’t have to carry the grief alone, because so many people carry it with me. What a relief that is.
A few days ago a friend mentioned Miller in conversation. It was a casual comment, and everyone just kept right on talking as if she mentioned a normal, alive baby. It was the best moment. That’s what I’ve been wanting. For Miller not to be this terrible thing that happened to me that people are scared to talk about, but to be my baby who I got to name and carry inside me. It sounds so silly, but it felt like such a milestone to have had this lighthearted conversation with friends. It was so…normal.
So it’s been nine months. I’m very much aware of what can happen in nine months time. Babies have been conceieved and born since Miller died. And I’ve gone through the shock, and then the depression, and now (maybe? perhaps?) the acceptance of what happened to him and to us.
I may keep hibernating for awhile. But I’m here, and I’m doing okay.