September 17, 2012 · filed under (in)fertility, pregnancy, twins

three days last spring

Image from The Gardener’s Eye

March 18, 2012: My mom, sister, and I were exploring New York City when we came across some kind of homemade wishing station rigged up to a street sign. There were hundreds of little yellow, red, and white tags on strings. Half of them were filled out with wishes, half were blank still, awaiting future wishes. I wrote on mine, I wish for a healthy baby and hung it with the other hopes and dreams. A positive pregnancy test came seven days later.

•••

Omen

April 4, 2012: My third beta came back at 2,570, a pretty remarkable number (and probably my first indication that it was twins, duh). Sometime that night I opened a Dove chocolate to find this message: You are exactly where you are supposed to be. And I was. But my heart was in such a dark place, I can’t even explain the disconnect I felt between the good news and my sense of doom and gloom. I wrote on my instagram caption, ” wish I could believe this” and went to bed. I walked around for days/weeks waiting for the cartoon anvil to fall on my head, and for this pregnancy to end.

•••

img_3350

April 30, 2012: We had arrived home from Costa Rica 36 hours earlier, where we mourned sweet Miller but also began to celebrate this new little baby, this second chance at a happier ending. I went to the fertility clinic on this Monday morning for a third and final ultrasound before being released to my OB. Given our history, my RE had agreed to the special request, but since it wasn’t medically necessary and we had just missed 10 days of work, Andrew went to work instead. Toward the end of the ultrasound, the RE, the tech and I all saw something else on the screen. What is that? Oh my, there’s another baby in there!  I called Andrew right away, asked him first if he was sitting down, and then told him we were having twins. I still don’t know where that second baby was hiding for the first two ultrasounds, but he’s been here ever since.

•••

These are the moments I can remember from the early days. They seem almost foreign to me now, as I lay here with two strong boys kicking me from the inside. I can finally believe that I am right where I am supposed to be.

 

 


22 Comments

  1. Michelle
    September 17, 2012 10:51 pm

    Isn’t it amazing how days that start out so mundane can turn into the days that will forever be engrained in our brains? I am so happy for you, Andrew, and those two sweet boys that you will meet in a little while. As the mom of two boys, I can’t even begin to explain how amazing two little boys are together. They will give you many gray hairs and wrinkles, but it’s totally worth it! Wishing you an uneventful remainder of your pregnancy.

  2. Janssen
    September 17, 2012 11:35 pm

    This post just gave me chills. I am so so happy for you and these two little boys and Andrew. What a wonderful family you are.

  3. RA
    September 18, 2012 9:13 am

    I like that benefit of hindsight, when you can look back to the darker times and know that it was all building to something else. In the moment, it’s hard/impossible to see that, but I think that’s kind of the point.

  4. K
    September 18, 2012 9:36 am

    Oh this made me cry.

    Sometimes it can be so hard to know where we’re supposed to be even if we knee deep in it.

    xo

  5. liz
    September 18, 2012 9:56 am

    I’m not much of a crier but this post had me all choked up for reasons I don’t even understand.

    I hope you’re finally able to enjoy your pregnancy these last couple months. I know that sounds ridiculous since pregnancy is about the most uncomfortable thing your body will ever go through, especially with twins, but I think you know what I mean.

  6. Chrissie
    September 18, 2012 10:10 am

    I just teared up reading this, and am so happy for you and your husband that your journey has led you here. Wishing you all the best throughout the rest of your pregnancy, as well as with the birth of your two baby boys!

  7. Kristin
    September 18, 2012 10:39 am

    goosebumps and tears! I think we are all always right where we are supposed to be, just takes us a while to figure it out. Many blessings to you!

  8. Melissa
    September 18, 2012 1:33 pm

    I can’t even find the words, Janet.
    xoxo

  9. Audrey
    September 18, 2012 2:17 pm

    Janet, I am just SO happy for you and those darling little boys of yours.

  10. Alison
    September 18, 2012 4:20 pm

    I agree with all here that this post gave me some goose-bumps/teary eyes. I know you’re not a religious person but I hope that these things can make you believe there is a little bit of magic in the world, and you deserve your piece of it!

  11. Mary Frances
    September 18, 2012 4:21 pm

    I love this take on hindsight – so simple, but so lovely and powerful all at the same time.

  12. Hotpotatokate
    September 18, 2012 5:23 pm

    I can’t believe Baby 2 was hiding for so long- how amazing it must have been to find out!

  13. red pen mama
    September 19, 2012 9:26 am

    More hugs and prayers. the universe is full of miracles and messages if you know how to see and hear them.

  14. terra
    September 19, 2012 5:34 pm

    Tears in my eyes reading this, lady. <3

  15. doahleigh
    September 20, 2012 12:14 am

    That is so cool. I have a thing about twins, I always wanted them for some reason. After my first couple ultrasound, I kind of still hoped there might be a second baby hiding somewhere. I’m so happy for one baby though, it doesn’t matter at all, but what a fun surprise you got!

    I also love the wish and Dove wrapper. Things like that just seem so serendipitous sometimes. I got a fortune cookie fortune that read “Be prepared to receive something special” and got a positive pregnancy test shortly after. I’m planning to hand a photo of it in the baby’s room.

  16. Jackie
    September 21, 2012 3:32 pm

    Wow, can’t believe one of the boys hid for that long!

    It is so hard to appreciate things in the moment. How nice to look back and reflect on how wonderful a day or moment is, though!

  17. Operation Pink Herring
    September 22, 2012 12:30 pm

    If only we could peek ahead in time and know how things were going to end up.

  18. Operation Pink Herring
    September 22, 2012 12:32 pm

    That last comment was supposed to end “… the dark times would be easier to bear.”

  19. Emily
    September 24, 2012 10:25 pm

    My eyes watered reading this. What a beautiful post.

    Congrats! I am so happy for you.

  20. Alissa
    September 26, 2012 9:45 pm

    That is so so beautiful. Hugs my friend.

  21. Andrea P.
    October 5, 2012 3:20 pm

    I love everything about this.