this relationship is not going to last
September 27th, 2006 @ 11:54 pm | miscellany | Post a CommentI’ve never really, offically, dated in the adult sense of the word. I don’t think I’m an inexperienced prude or anything, but my dating history goes a little something like this:
Fell for my “first love” at the beginning of my junior year in high school. We were together two years but broke up right before I went to college. Attended a college where “dating” was code for meeting up with a boy at 3am at the late-night bar and sharing a Bud Light while dancing to the newest Nelly song. Met Andrew three months before I graduated, and well, we’ve been together ever since.
I can remember maybe two real, adult dates. One time a boy with whom I felt absolutely zero chemistry took me out to dinner during my freshman year of college. He was a few years older and I didn’t know how to politely decline the offer. Plus, anything to get out of eating dorm food! I also briefly dated another slightly older guy, but broke it off after about a month when I decided to join a sorority and knew I wouldn’t want to bring him to date parties with me. Also, he had old posters of Arnold Schwarzenegger all over his bedroom that kinda creeped me out.
What got me thinking about this was a post by Dooce (which was based on this book) about relationship deal-breakers. After compiling my list, I’ve decided it’s a pretty darn good thing I am getting married because I think I’d probably have a hard time finding someone who doesn’t do any of these things AND who likes me back. My potential mate cannot:
- Have a secret love for male body-builders (see above).
- Affiliate with the Republican party (unless it is very passive and very open to change)
- Be smaller than me. I’m not huge or anything, but I’m not petite either and I don’t want to feel like I am crushing my boyf in bed.
- Be rude to people in service-oriented jobs. I’m a stickler for manners.
- Hate cats. You don’t have to love them, but you can’t hate them.
- Hate reading or paying attention to current events.
- Spend money frivolously. Or just for show.
- Not want any kids.
- Have hair longer than mine.
- Do things like swim with sharks, jump out of planes, drive a race car, or chase tornadoes with any regularity.
- Own a motorcycle.
- Not know how to change a tire on a car (which is why I had to teach Andrew this very important skill the first month we were dating).
- Run a mile slower than me. And I am pretty slow.
- Lack basic communication skills.
- Bite my tongue while kissing me or any other weirdo things that are just not sexy.
Aside from the kind of traits that nobody likes (pedophilia, assholeness, addiction to ogling other women while you are out together, etc), what breaks the deal for you?
After being married to a divorced man, I tell my baby sister (who is not married) that her deal breaker needs to be NO EX-WIFE and NO KIDS if possible. They can break your marriage completely down if the ex is a psycho.
Funny! I married my first boyfriend. Then I only “dated” a couple of guys before I got married again. Then when he died, I didn’t date again for a year, then I married him! Guess I hate dating.
written by CPA Mom
September 28th, 2006 @ 8:46 am
Love your blog!
Fortunately, I’m married, because like you I really don’t think that I could find anyone else out there that would measure up to my specifications. I guess that means I can’t get divorced…I’d never be able to get re-married!
written by Debbie
September 28th, 2006 @ 8:47 am
While I don’t consider myself an inexperienced dating prude either, I really haven’t dated much either. I had a “boyfriend” for a year in 8th grade, which meant we talked on the phone and made out sometimes. First love was in high school, was with him for 1.5 years, and then broke up when I went to college. I had 2 semi-dates in college, which really stemmed from drunken hookups, where the guys seemed to think that meant we were “dating”, and I had to tell them… I don’t think I really like you when I’m not drunk. Senior year met my current boyfriend, and we have been together for 4 years. Sometimes I feel like I should have gotten out and dated more in college, but I was not interested in anyone, and I loved being totally free to do what I wanted, when I wanted (my HS relationship was kind of suffocating at the end). As the wise Rory Gilmore once said, I guess I’m not the dating type. I’m the girlfriend type.
I read that deal breakers thing on Dooce too, and I thought it was really interesting. My two biggest dealbreakers are being addicted to football (or any professional sport on TV), and video/computer games. When I thought about it more though, I came up with lots of others. I don’t think I could date a guy who didn’t want marriage and kids someday, didn’t like animals, was rude to service people (that says so much about a person), didn’t like the outdoors, didn’t like to travel, wasn’t OK with my TV addiction… There were so many, that I realized it’s a good thing I love my boyfriend… because I don’t think I’ll ever find another guy who can meet my long list of specifications.
written by Jennifer
September 28th, 2006 @ 9:09 am
You’re so funny. Hmm… my dealbreakers:
* Smelly
* Shaves his armpits.
* Doesn’t love animals.
* Doesn’t want kids.
* Doesn’t love (or at least like) my family
Those are just a few off the top of my head!
written by Kelly
September 28th, 2006 @ 9:13 am
Although I think there are probably many many deal breakers for me - I’ll say my #1 is NOT AMBITIOUS. I once “dated” the valet guy at the restaurant where I worked in college. He was EXTREMELY cute, but had no plans in life. I mean, was a going to marry the valet guy! No way!
written by Alison
September 28th, 2006 @ 10:14 am
I am with Alison. Ambition is one of the biggest things for me too. And he has to have a passion. That was what made me fall in love with Colin immediately, he was so passionate about cooking, how could I not be head over heels?
written by jessica
September 28th, 2006 @ 10:22 am
I had the great fortune to do a fair amount of dating between my last relationship and my current one.
I really only have one major, major dealbreaker–Doesn’t take responsibility for his problems–even if he has a bad family situation or a devil ex-girlfriend, he should acknowledge his own contribution to the situation to some extent. I think it’s part of being a grown up.
written by Laurel
September 28th, 2006 @ 11:21 am
A man that is incapable of house work would be a dealbreaker for me. I mean, I’m not your mama!
written by alexa
September 28th, 2006 @ 12:55 pm
Not to be unoriginal, but I agree with the Ambition ladies.
A lazy guy who has no real goals in life is really fun to date, because he never cares about anything but fun and you. But marry this fellow, and you are in for a world of worrying about money, supporting your family, and picking up his crap.
Not that I have married this man - my husband has a good mix of laid back-ed-ness and get your shit done-ed-ness, but I also nearly married a fellow with no life ambition.
And, in a surprising twist, I think he also was a valet guy for a while! Alison? Were we dating the same slacker?
written by elise
September 28th, 2006 @ 2:27 pm
I didn’t have a boyfriend until college because all of the guys in my tiny high school were idiots, and College Boy turned out to be a waste of 3 months. But he showed me that I couldn’t stay with a guy who didn’t read for fun or at least tolerate the fact that I liked to. He was insulted when I would rather be reading (than, say, watching him play video games) and didn’t have an attention span longer than the timepsan of a flick of the remote. I was also at a loss when it came to gift-giving - this was before Amazon had everything on the planet - so this might be a selfish hang-up, but what can you do. Nowadays, it’s nice to be with the husband and we’re both just reading.
written by RA
September 28th, 2006 @ 4:06 pm
Really, my ONE dealbreaker came down to this:
Not passionate about: travel, cultures other than ours, being silly for no reason. I’ve found that most things are (to a point) negotiable. Am married to a mellow, mellow guy. Who loves to travel and loves me, despite my sillyness.
See: my post for today.
written by Meepers
September 28th, 2006 @ 4:58 pm
GIRLY HANDS!!! This may sound totally weird, but I like guys to have manly hands…they should not be softer than mine, nor should the nails be longer! GROSS!
…Jason has really manly hands
written by Jenni
September 28th, 2006 @ 11:57 pm
I’m with the ambition ladies, too. I dated a guy who was going to take out a $10,000 loan to start a business. I asked, “what kind of business” and he had NO IDEA. Uh, bye!
Also, man jewelry.
written by Aimee
September 29th, 2006 @ 1:32 am
To all who haven’t done this yet…. don’t marry a guy who’s divorved, with kids… this might sound totally hypocritical of me as I have a kid from a previous relationship, but my EX is gone completely - don’t have to deal with him - dealing with her on the other hand is pure hell. And why is it that when the EX is being a bitch nothing is said, but by god if we do something bitchy - we hear about it NOW???!!! That’s always confused the hell outta me!
Also I can’t do lazy, watching too much tv, thinking I’m your mother (working full time, laundry, dishes, cooking, yardwork, etc etc.) and immaturity. Oh AND my man HAS to be able to help remodel, as I LOVE to tear shit apart
written by reformattingmybrain
September 29th, 2006 @ 11:00 am
smoking!!
written by Lindsey
October 1st, 2006 @ 8:42 pm
My list:
-MUST be a nonsmoker
-Can’t have a mustache or beard. Honestly, I think I’m allergic. I once drunkenly made out with a guy who had razor stubble… My chin actually scabbed over.
-I can’t do the step children thing. I have so much bad step-child karma coming at me that I just can’t risk it.
-He must want children.
-He must have some type of ambition.
-He can’t be a wuss. While I have no problem killing spiders, hammering nails, etc. I don’t want to be the only one in the household who can do that.
-He must not, under any circumstance, have a picture of his college roommates shoving a cheeto up his butt.
written by Nic
October 2nd, 2006 @ 10:16 am