calling all girls named alli
July 3rd, 2007 @ 12:04 am | blonde moments | Post a CommentMy sister-in-law is named Alli. And she is lovely and pretty and smart. Know what else is named Alli? A pill that causes oily farts! So what if it’s pronounced “Al-Lye” and allegedly helps you get skinny? I would not want a product on the market called Janet (even if you pronounced it “Zsa-Nay”) that made you poop oil in your panties!
So please, if your name is Alli and you are out there reading this blog, email me with your official complaint and I will compile them all and send them to GlaxoSmithKline, who is no doubt laughing their oily pooped little butts all the way to the bank.
And if your arch nemesis from the 5th grade (the little lolita who kissed your crush on the playground) is named Alli, well then I suppose this is a good day for you.
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Speaking of things that are WRONG WITH THE WORLD, I am going to tell you a little story.
Once upon a time a boy and a girl fell in love and got married and lived happily ever after.
Or at least they were trying to live happily ever after, so they saved their pennies and went looking for a house to raise their babies in.
They went to one of the houses on their list that seemed like it would be such a good fit. Charming updated bungalow on a tree-lined street. Desirable walk-out basement. Lush, no-hassle property.
And! It only cost one arm and one leg, as opposed to most homes in the area, which go for at least two arms and one leg and some even require a kidney!
(Oh no, I do believe this story is turning gruesome and now warrants a PG-13 label.)
So anyway, this boy and this girl arrive at this “charming updated bungalow” and GASP!, for this is surely a joke. Or perhaps a haunted house? This is the house that you would have run past as a child every time you had to walk down this street selling Girl Scout cookies. The house that the half-dead elderly people with cats lived in. The house that smelled so bad you could smell it from the sidewalk. THAT HOUSE.
Sadly, since the boy and the girl are not willing to sell kidneys in pursuit of an ACTUALLY CHARMING bungalow, they will probably now just live quasi-happily ever after in their teeny tiny apartment and never get to have babies.
The End.
How are there no comments on this post? It’s hilarious! You are so on my favorites list now
written by My Minivan Is Faster Than Yours
July 3rd, 2007 @ 12:34 am
Oh dear… that story makes me SAD. Very, very sad. Those real estate people should be fed weight loss tablets of no name until they soil themselves, tis very mean to mislead people who want to settle down and have BABIES one day.
And I’d rather be a social outcast with my lard arse than have oily farts, and actually PAY for them at that. There, I said it. And I’m ALMOST an Alli name-wise, just with a few letters changed. THE HORROR!
(You totally educated me on how it was pronounced though, so, thankyou Zsa-Nay.
written by alyndabear
July 3rd, 2007 @ 3:58 am
Oh, you have got to love those euphemistic housing descriptions… Keep truckin’!
written by RA
July 3rd, 2007 @ 8:52 am
“You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it’s probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work”
OMG. Why would anyone take that?? Losing weight is not worth crapping your pants.
written by Operation Pink Herring
July 3rd, 2007 @ 9:02 am
HA!
Oily FARTS!
Sorry I know I am 12.
And Ew. You could smell it from the street??
written by Julie
July 3rd, 2007 @ 9:05 am
Oh, yes. House-hunting horror stories from people who are attempting to find a house in a crazy/expensive real estate market. It’s certainly not impossible, but I bet you’ll have to look at many more like this until you find the right one. Boo!
written by Zandria
July 3rd, 2007 @ 9:13 am
Wow, what a post! I laughed, I cried … well okay I didn’t actually cry, but I laughed my ass off at the “oily poop butts” and i still felt sadness about that stupid “charming” bungalow that is haunted.
I have a feeling the right house is out there for you. We looked SO MANY houses and ours was the only one that we even considered moving into. So it was a damn good thing we could afford it! But your house is out there, just waiting for you to come make babies in it!
written by audrey
July 3rd, 2007 @ 9:37 am
But you have REALLY GREAT cats!!! (It’ll work itself out…not to worry)
Dude, about the Alli, when I was visiting Edgar’s family in NYC his aunt was telling me about a co-worker who was using the stuff. Apparently she went to the bathroom and did a number two and then told Edgar’s aunt (who is named Janet actually) to come look at it. Apparently all that was in the toilet was a bunch of oil. EEEW, it makes me want to vomit just thinking about it.
written by Lindsey
July 3rd, 2007 @ 9:39 am
House hunting is soooo frustrating, but your house IS out there, just waiting for you to find it. And just think, for each not so great house that you look at, you’re one house closer to finding yours. Does that make sense?
written by Shesabigstar
July 3rd, 2007 @ 9:57 am
Best of luck with the house hunt. The metropolitan DC market is wonderful fun. We bought a townhome in northern VA last spring. Oh my, did we look at some “lovely” options! There is a home out there for you, and in the mean time, you get to tour some memorable properties. Fun!
written by Meg
July 3rd, 2007 @ 9:57 am
BTW, the girl my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me with/left me for was named Alli, so I find it somewhat amusing!
written by Meg
July 3rd, 2007 @ 9:59 am
I can’t believe they named the oily fart medicine Alli. Worst name sake EVER!
You and Andrew need to have a daughter soon and name her after me so I can have a better name sake
written by Alli
July 3rd, 2007 @ 10:07 am
When we were house hunting, the market wasn’t too bad, and we STILL saw a few houses like that. There were several we refused to even enter. We just told the real estate agent to keep driving. It might take a while, but you will find something!
written by -R-
July 3rd, 2007 @ 10:21 am
man we saw so many houses like that when we were house hunting. it was so discouraging. i promise you will find something though. we found ours when we weren’t even looking for it!
written by cady
July 3rd, 2007 @ 11:30 am
Hey Janet!
I’m one of Alison’s friends and I read your blog all the time. The latest post is hilarious and I also have a post about Alli…so gross. Thanks for keeping me entertained day after day!
written by The Great Lake
July 3rd, 2007 @ 11:38 am
Ew, ew, ew. I know Alli is supposed to be, like, a miracle drug, but the side effects are too much for me. EW.
Also, keep your chin up about the house hunting. As long as it’s not a $450,000 studio, you’re ahead of us.
written by Laurel
July 3rd, 2007 @ 11:56 am
Speaking of drugs and their lovely side effects. Isn’t there a medicine for depression that has a HUGE list of side-effects like sexual disfunction, diarrea, headaches, etc etc. Like having sexual disfuction and diarrea isn’t depressing enough. ACK!
written by Aimee
July 3rd, 2007 @ 12:42 pm
I have always been afraid that someone else will “ruin” my name. So I totally understand this post.
(And now I am also afraid of my kid’s name being ruined. Good thing I didn’t name him “Michal Jackson”, or something.)
And also, who needs a house to have babies? Babies are overrated. Go for the walk in closet. A walk in closet says “forever”.
written by Isabe
July 3rd, 2007 @ 12:59 pm
And you know how I was just talking about a way to “ruin” my name?
Yeah, I spelled my own (faux internet) name wrong on my comment.
I’m classy like that.
written by Isabel
July 3rd, 2007 @ 1:01 pm
I am seriously crying with laughter right now!
Thanks for such a funny post!!! I totally made my day!
written by Jenni
July 3rd, 2007 @ 1:15 pm
Ewww, I just heard about that awful Alli drug the other day. So completely disgusting and unacceptable! I hate the drug. They really are laughing their oily poop asses all the way to their (enormous) bank accounts.
Don’t give up on old and crappy houses! They’re the best, because you get them for cheaper and then do the labor (yourself, since the babies have not yet arrived) and you build equity faster than you can spend it!
written by elise
July 3rd, 2007 @ 1:22 pm
By the way, when I said up there that “I hate the drug” what I MEANT was “I hate the drug companies”. I don’t know what happened
written by elise
July 3rd, 2007 @ 1:23 pm
Perhaps the owner of the house had been taking Alli and THAT was why you could smell the house from the street?
PS…Don’t think when you find The House that the story is over. I know people (cough, us, cough) that are fortunate enough to HAVE the house, but under no circumstances could afford to have the BABIES. Because we are perpetually fixing, fixing, repairing, shoring up and making do/doing without to PAY FOR THE HOUSE. Which is really too small and oddly laid out to have babies in, anyway.
Pity, party of two, calling. LOL
written by Maya
July 3rd, 2007 @ 8:15 pm
As soon as I’m done working next week, I’m SO buying that pill! AL-LIIIIIIIIIIII!
I’ll check back w/you to let you know how it turns out!
Oh, and my name isn’t Alli, either.
haha.
written by N.F.
July 4th, 2007 @ 1:45 am
Oh now, you’ll find something. Try not to get too discouraged!
written by angela
July 5th, 2007 @ 10:27 pm
Well, there’s a female condom named Eleksa (pronounced the same as my name). I guess it should seem empowering, but it is sort of gross…
written by alexa
July 16th, 2007 @ 12:07 pm