worst comic typing
June 26th, 2008 @ 11:50 pm | blonde moments | Post a CommentI’m not sure why it feels like a confession to be telling you that I’m really into that TV show Last Comic Standing. I TiVo it every week and fast forward through everything but the comedy routines, and some of it is actually quite funny!
I’m intrigued by comedians because there is no way in hell I could ever, ever be one. I have a chronic case of stage fright topped off with horrible timing and delivery. Oh god, I just cringe thinking about how bad I’d be. (People who know me in real life are nodding along right now.)
But it doesn’t mean I don’t have some good jokes every once in awhile! One of my college roomies and I used to joke that we’d be a great comedy duo if I wrote the material and she performed it.
I better back that statement up with a good joke, huh? Alright here goes:
Do you ever wake up on a Monday morning with a pimple and wish you could call in sick so you don’t have to be seen in public with it? Yeah, I have a zit on my nose right now big enough to qualify me for maternity leave.
Ba-Dum-CHING.
I take it back. Nothing about me would make a good comedian. I’ll stick to watching it on TV.
(But seriously, I do have a really big zit on my nose right now. My birthday made me feel old but now I’m back to being 13 again.)
So it’s Friday, does anyone have a good joke to share? Something you’d say if you ever landed a spot on Last Comic Standing or Comedy Central? C’mon I dare you to try to make me laugh out loud while I’m sitting at my desk so my new coworkers think I’m a crackpot. Doesn’t that sound fun?
If you don’t have any good jokes, you should tell me what you’re doing this weekend. Or how I should spend my birthday money. Or just tell me to shush already.
my neice told me this one (and maybe i only found it funny coming from her but here it goes):
how much does a pirate pay for earrings?
…
…
…
…
a buck an ear
(get it? buccaneer??)
when she tells it i laugh every time, then again she’s 3
oh well, happy almost weekend!
written by notsojenny
June 27th, 2008 @ 9:07 am
I love that show! But no one will compare to Josh Blue from last year, alas. I am still annoyed that they let through that prop guy from Israel. What in the world!
Tomorrow, JG and I will be sweltering at a completely outdoor wedding in 90-degree weather. For once, the girls have a wardrobe advantage over the boys in being able to wear something sleeveless. Still, it should be fun.
written by RA
June 27th, 2008 @ 9:20 am
I still need to blog about it, but consider this a preview: I just met Josh Blue. Let me tell you, I felt so much anxiety to try to be funny during our hour-long flight. It was rough.
written by JP
June 27th, 2008 @ 9:45 am
I love that show. I didn’t get a chance to watch it last night (no TiVo here) but I saw it last week and watched the entire season when Josh Blue won (was that last year?). If it makes you feel better, I could very well be a much worse stand-up comedian than you.
written by Marriage-101
June 27th, 2008 @ 10:09 am
I think I’m pretty funny, but I don’t think anyone else does. I definitely couldn’t hack it as a comedian.
That show is hysterical though…it’s a guilty pleasure of mine as well!
written by Erin
June 27th, 2008 @ 11:07 am
I’ve never seen that show, although AS watches it with his roommate. Hmm… now that it is Janet-endorsed, I might give it a shot! God knows there’s nothing else on during the summer.
written by Laurel
June 27th, 2008 @ 11:21 am
Hmm…the only joke I can think of off the top of my head is this.
How are having sex in a canoe and Bud Light alike?
They’re both fucking close to water.
Not going to make the show any time soon!
written by Allison
June 27th, 2008 @ 11:54 am
Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside!
ahahahahahaha!
I love the “buccaneer” joke too. I like dumb jokes.
written by Kim
June 27th, 2008 @ 11:56 am
Tim and I watch that show the exact same way! But we are almost always disappointed with the outcome — I guess we have a more sophisticated (ha!) sense of humor than the rest of America.
(Also, I’m sorry, but I have no love for Josh Blue. We saw him open for one of our favorite comics a few years ago in Denver and his material was EXACTLY the same as it was on the show. It’s funny at first, but holy crap man, come up with some new jokes!)
In closing, here are two comedians you might love if you share Tim’s and my sophisticated sense of humor: Mitch Hedberg (One of my favorite jokes — “Dogs are constantly in the push-up position.”) and Brian Regan. Check them out. Unless, of course, you hate laughter.
written by Audrey
June 27th, 2008 @ 12:33 pm
I just heard this one last week - sent me into fits and giggles.
4-year old and 6-year old siblings are hanging out when the 6-year old tells the younger one, “I think today is the day when we start cussing.” He goes on to say, “When we sit down for dinner, I’ll use ‘hell’ and you use ‘ass’ at some point during the meal.”
The 4-year old agrees.
Later, at the dinner table, the mother asks the 6-year old what he wants for dinner. He says, “Aww, hell. I think I’ll have some Cheerios.” Without blinking, the mother says, “WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID? WE DO NOT TALK LIKE THAT AT THE DINNER TABLE!” and marches the 6-year old up to his room.
Upon her return, she asks the 4-year old, “And YOU, young man? What will you have?”
He says, “I’m not sure. But you can bet your fat ass I’m not having Cheerios.”
Da-dum-dum! Thank you kids, I’ll be here all weekend!
written by Nilsa
June 27th, 2008 @ 1:22 pm
We love that show, too! I always am routing for the women, since they seem to be so outnumbered. I really like the Indian woman and the lady with the short hair (she’s so adorable!).
Will be thinking of you when we watch last night’s episode on Tivo.
written by Jodie
June 27th, 2008 @ 1:25 pm
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure it out or how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
He took her hand and said, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then…………,” he sighed, ….. “Let’s put all of these frosted flakes back into the box.”
written by Arjewtino
June 27th, 2008 @ 2:00 pm
Okay, I am gonna grace you with the worst, most annoying joke ever. My dad uses it CONSTANTLY.
Q: What time is the best time to go to the dentist?
A: Two-thirty.
Get it? Tooth-hurty?
Ahh, it kills.
written by elise
June 27th, 2008 @ 2:21 pm
My other half was outside hanging out the washing, and he was yelling at mum (who’s bedroom window faces out into the yard), saying that she’d need to do the ironing.
She responded with “Me noooo speak Englis - me nooo eye-ron.”
Then I stuck my head out the window and yelled down:
“You look sexy doing housework - keep going!!!”
He thought it was a joke.
I was serious.
Then Mum and I laughed until we cried.
written by Kelly
June 29th, 2008 @ 5:27 am
i could never do stand up either. i’m so not funny when i try to be, haha.
and i laughed at your joke, i’m easily amused
written by katelin
June 30th, 2008 @ 2:51 pm
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall??
.
.
.
.
Dam(n)!!
written by K
July 2nd, 2008 @ 7:42 am
Do YOU know how to catch a bear?
Well, you dig a HUGEE hole. About 10 feet deep and 10 feet wide.
Once you are done that, you start a fire beside the hole.
When the fire is all burn out, you put the ashes, in the hole.
When the bear comes along…
You kick him in the ashhole.
written by Grace
September 17th, 2008 @ 5:33 pm