love is blonde

I was browsing a friend’s work website the other day. She runs a marine biology lab so I was pretty out of my element, but I’m always impressed and interested in what my friends do at work, especially something so radically different from my DC life.

It was maybe 30 seconds before I came across the word hypoxia. The only place I’ve seen that word before is on the autopsy. The likely cause of death. Not enough oxygen. Hypoxia.

I couldn’t read another word.

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I’m pretty sure I come across as “normal” to most people. I go out to eat, go to happy hour, I laugh and joke and wear mascara and make fun of the Kardashians. But sometimes I’m just plain faking it. This is how pretty much every conversation goes in my head, if not in actuality:

Someone: Hey, how are you?

Me: Oh, hi. I’m [depressed]. How are you?

Someone: I’m good, too! What’s new?

Me: I’ve been keeping pretty busy [crying my face off]. You?

Someone: Tell me about it, this time of year is so busy with all the holiday parties and things to do! What are you doing for Christmas?

Me: I have plans to [feel sorry for myself. I might not get out of bed.]

Someone: That sounds great – let’s try to meet up one night.

Me: Totally. I’d love to [sit around and cry and talk about sad and unfair shit] together.

Someone: Cool, I’ll call you.

•••••

Merry Christmas to me! I just bought $561 worth of fertility drugs.

FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA.

•••••

So I went to two support groups.

The first one was an infertility group. About eight or so women, all very nice, all with their own stories. One had 4 failed IVFs. Another was about to embark on her first RE appointment. Another was using a surrogate. I was probably somewhere in the middle in terms of infertility timeline and interventions.

But I was the only one with a dead baby.

So I went to pregnancy and infant loss support group. Again, about eight women, all very warm, all with different sad stories. One woman lost one of her twins, another lost a son at full term in a car accident. Another lost her son at three weeks old. Another lost her twins at 22 weeks gestation.

But I was the only one without any living children.

I just don’t know if I should go back, to either or to both.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Yoga! My sister made me try it, after the loss. I’ve kept it up because it feels good physically, but mostly it helps quiet my mind.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

According to this post, my 2011 resolution was to “do more fun things, buy less stuff, & keep life simple and focused on experiences.” I think I was moderately successful. I traveled a bunch. I went to New Hampshire, Vermont, NYC, Orcas Island (WA), Chicago, California, and Denver. I got better at golf, started yoga, and spent lots of time with friends.

I started but never finished my 30 before 30 list. Highlights of completed items include: Spending an entire day weekend with my BFF in Chicago; attending a wine tasting to learn three new kinds of wine; going to a badass KT Tunstall concert; spending a weekend in New England with my girlfriends; and creating a photobook of photos from my 20s (an epic but worthwhile project).

My resolution for 2012 – or my motto, really – is to have patience, perseverance, and inner peace. The Three P’s. I need inner peace the most. Inner peace, I will find you!!

The other thing I want to focus on in 2012 is living MY life and not comparing it so much to anyone else’s life.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Oof. This question.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Oof again. (And if you’re new here you should meet Miller.)

5. What countries did you visit?

I was USA-bound all year, although while vacationing in the San Juan Islands my cell phone was convinced I was in Canada. Does that count?

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you didn’t have in 2011?

A living, breathing, cuddly baby. That’s all I want. Of course, the clock is seriously ticking on this one so maybe I’d settle for just a healthy pregnancy sometime in 2012.

I wouldn’t mind an actual vacation either. Our supposed-to-be-epic trip to California was pretty well ruined on Day 3.

7. What dates from 2011 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

June 24th – I turned 30. August 22nd – the worst day of my life. November 16th & 23rd – the planned C-section day and the due date. Hopefully December 31st when my niece is due to be born.

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?

Is it okay to say that my biggest achievement is getting out of bed every single day since August 23rd?

9. What was your biggest failure?

My weight is exactly the same as the start of the year. I guess it could be worse…

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Anyone wanna see my C-section scar?

11. What was the best thing you bought?

White maternity jeans off ebay, my little gold “M” necklace, my new iPhone.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Oh my, almost everyone in my life. My husband for sure, my family, my friends in real life and online. Strangers who reached out to me. People who just let me be myself, even if that was really not fun to be around for awhile. I can truly say that NO ONE let me down this year. That’s pretty amazing.

Also? The Labor & Delivery nurses at Hoag Hospital in Newport Beach, CA.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

No one is coming to mind. I’m pretty checked out of caring about what appalling or annoying people are doing these days.

14. Where did most of your money go?

No major purchases this year. So, the usual stuff – mortgage, groceries, and too much eating out.

15. What did you get really excited about?

Our trip to California. Learning that the baby was a boy.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Cee Lo Green / Forget You. (I don’t even like that song.)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

Sadder.
Same.
And I was going to say richer until I remembered about the stock market.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Exercise. Cooking & meal planning. Cleaning my room! (Some things never change, Mom.)

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Facebook.

20. How will you spend Christmas?

We are staying home this year with very little planned. My in-laws are coming to town for a few days, which will be nice. I will miss my family but am excited to have a peaceful and low key holiday.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

Andrew and I celebrated five years of marriage this year and aside from the sad stuff, I think we’re better than ever. Neither of us thought we needed to be closer, but I’m glad that the loss brought us together, because I can see how it could easily go the other direction.

I also felt what it is to be a mom who loves her baby. It’s crazy, raw, fierce, primal, overwhelming…

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Don’t judge but I kinda like Whitney. The Soup. HIMYM. Big Bang Theory.

23. What was the best book you read?

Unbroken was excellent. And Bossypants was worth the wait at the library. I also read The Great Gatsby again for the first time since high school, and completely loved it. It’s not that I cared for the characters or even the story so much as I thought the writing was so impressive. The book is short, but every sentence is marvelously crafted.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Free music mashups from Girl Talk got me through a bunch of time on the treadmill. Until I gave up the treadmill, ha.

25. What did you want and get?

Pregnant.

26. What did you want and not get?

A living baby.

27. What was your favorite film of 2011?

Moneyball (I guess? I have movie amnesia.)

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 30! Andrew took me our to our fave neighborhood french Bistro and I ate gazpacho and scallops, and then we went to a new neighborhood bakery for pretty french macarons (which I was too full to eat, oops).

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Jeez, I’m starting to feel like these questions are TRYING to hurt my feelings.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2011 ?

Jeans, wedges, ponytails, and yoga pants.

31. What kept you sane?

Same as last year: My mom, dad, sisters, cousin, friends, husband, gchat, and iced coffee.

32. What political issue stirred you the most?

I have a hard time caring about anything political right now. One issue that I’ve become interested in is the really horrible long-term effects of concussions in professional sports like hockey and football. It’s seriously sad stuff (like early onset dementia) and I’m glad people are waking up to the issue. Here’s an article you can read on it.

33. Who did you miss?

Same as last year: My family and far-away friends, despite spending thousands of minutes on the phone with them.

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

I have a LOT of people who care about me and support me. And I have to keep looking at the fullness and richness of my life, and not just what’s missing.

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

The rain in New Orleans, forgot to end
But the mouths of the people are dry
And we watch and wait
And do nothing but sigh
And hope everything
Is gonna turn alright
But I don’t know
If it’ll be alright

-Joshua Radin

**If you have a blog and write a year-end post, please post the link in the comments. I love reading these.

love: Working from home today.

hate: Husband was also supposed to work from home but ditched me at the last minute AND made me drive him to work. Hmmmm.

love: Open bar at his company party tonight!

hate: I have no good semiformal dress options in my closet. My closet is a sad place right now.

love: Getting Christmas cards in the mail, especially from my bloggy friends.

hate: Haven’t sent my own stack of cards yet, but at least I have all the pieces ready. They just need to be assembled and mailed.

love: Buying Christmas presents for myself. (iPhone case, a print of a photo I like, and a massage)

hate: Not seeing my family over Christmas, especially my adorable nephew.

love: Tons of weekend plans. Holiday parties, book club, a house guest, and dinner with friends.

hate: When will I sleep, laze around, and catch up on my DVR?

love: I’m getting my blog re-designed by the amazing Jen. I seriously am so excited about it!

hate: I desperately need a new profile pic for the blog, twitter, etc, but these days I just look so beat. The dark circles are really killing me and I swear I’ve aged five years. Blah. Double blah. Please send me a makeover team.

love: When you leave me your loves & hates in the comments.

Thank you for the comments on my last post. I wish I could hug each and every one of you, truly.

There are two photos of Miller at the bottom of this post, but there’s lots of space on the page between here and there, so feel free to click away if you aren’t up for it right now (or ever).

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One of the things I imagined doing as a mama was rocking my baby in the middle of the night when the rest of the house was silent, and singing him a lullaby. This song from the Dixie Chicks (named, appropriately, “Lullaby”) was one of the songs I imagined singing.

Here are the lyrics:

They didn’t have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I’m never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you’re asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there’ll be so much to do
So tonight I’ll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I’m never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you’re miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I’m never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I’m never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I’m never, never giving you up

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I came across another photo the other day of the last belly shot I took before he died. It’s surreal to see this. Sometimes I almost wouldn’t believe any of this happened if it weren’t for the photographic proof.

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Okay, I am going to post two photos now, so please click away if you wish.

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Our sweet son, pictured with the teddy bear affectionately known as Miller Bear:

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Man, I miss him so much.

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…I am still figuring this all out. Grief still surprises me, and not in the hooray-you-won-a-prize kind of way. Grief is sneaky, and mean, and sometimes even cruel. Grief will pounce just when I finally have a peaceful moment.

…I am humbled and so deeply grateful because I feel like Miller’s life has been acknowledged and remembered. One of my primal emotions from the very early days after the loss was a fear that Miller would be forgotten, or perhaps thought of as not a “real” baby. I still carry this fear with me, but it’s getting better. (You all have been a big part of this and for that I am so thankful.)

…At least once each day I am pretty sure that no one in the world understands me. But then at least once each day I am reminded that there are people who understand me, and even those who don’t “get it” are trying their very best.

…I am still very much protecting my heart. I am trying my best to be a good friend but my best is not very good right now. I simply cannot hear about pregnancies and babies all day long. I’m sure you won’t be surprised that it seems like 75% of my friends are pregnant or have new babies. This is probably the very hardest part of my day, every day. I haven’t figured out how to deal with it yet so for now I’m mostly hiding.

…I can finally be done counting down the weeks and months that I “should” have been pregnant. I am trying really hard not to let that morph into the weeks and months old that Miller “should” be. He will never be any of those ages. He will always be a tiny baby.

…I am trying to become okay with spreading Miller’s ashes somewhere. Maybe here. I’m not ready yet, but I’m trying.

…I would like to put a picture of Miller up on the blog, but I’m worried about how that makes people feel. He was very cute, but don’t all mamas think that their babies are cute? He was not alive, and I know that is hard to see. I don’t want to upset anyone.

…I am wishing for and working towards acceptance and peace. I want to heal. I don’t want to feel like this forever. I want to not feel broken on the inside.

…I am hopeful about the long term future, but still trying to survive each day until I get there.